New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
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Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me recordaron éste meme
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.