[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Every photo I’m tagged in
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast