The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing