Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
S/o to @funTweeters .
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.