I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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