Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.