*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
omg leave her alone
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.