The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
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Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Meow?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.