My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!