Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
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I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Oops
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.