scenes of unspeakable carnage
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?