I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
put ‘er there pardner!
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*