It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston