My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
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just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
i could never be president. im overqualified.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.