Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
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After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance