Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
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my favorite genre of twitter
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
A Short Story.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names