THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
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20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store