When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.