Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
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My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!