I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
You Might Also Like
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I think they could have phrased this better
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.