If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
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Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
they split up moments later
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Sing it!
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.