[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
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GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Siri, fight Alexa.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Love thy neighbor’s dog
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.