Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
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My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even meaโ
My mother: You have a low forehead.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you donโt answer
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. Itโs by me, if you see it.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so farโฆ”Eighty seven years ago our fโ
MARY TODD: Wait, waitโฆWhy don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Havenโt lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I havenโt played in that long or what have you.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
People I hate when Iโm driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when Iโm driving.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
This is my bus stop.