Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.