You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
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Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.