This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
You Might Also Like
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.