Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
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My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings