*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.