I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
You Might Also Like
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Is….Is this an option?
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I think we should hear other voices.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no