THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.