Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.