how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
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Oh the world we live in…
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
groan^2
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here