Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly