bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
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[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Is this you?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree