You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
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I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.