911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Goodnight 🐶
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!