Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
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coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Worlds greatest photobomb
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!