The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.