Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice