[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
October already? What’s next? November????
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one