I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.