“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
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The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?