I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
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I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.