hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Monday Lisa
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
this is what they would have looked like, though
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus