Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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Wednesday
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me sliding into hell like
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused