Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
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I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.