Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
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Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.