[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
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No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.