the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Note to self: I am a note
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..