My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I WON A HAM TODAY
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*